I Know Some Great Ones, Mine Is Not One

It is about truth. I have never spent an enormous amount of time bashing. It is completely unproductive to dwell on what someone is or is not. I am grateful for some of the great times that can I remember in my younger years, with my dad but the other times would often overshadow. Father's Day can be whatever type of reminder you wish it to be.

I was a daddy's girl. Where he went I was surely, close behind. Partners in crime. We were similar with our sarcasm and dry humor. We both enjoyed reading and writing stories. Whatever he was willing to teach me, which was not much, I absorbed. I wish that he had taught me more. I enjoyed watching him cook or the few times, he let me help with a simple car repair. I mastered the whisky sour when I was in elementary school. More importantly, I wished for a long time, that he was just there. Attentive to my needs and that of the rest of the family.

Instead of constantly hanging out with his friends, it would have been great to have spent more time together as a family. There were times were we sat together at dinner. We went on a few vacations. There were a number of families that we were close to. Even during the years, when I was close to my dad, I knew things were not right. I looked at some good dads and wondered what it would be like to be their daughter. As kids we grew up together, more like siblings and cousins then friends. We had regular family reunions. We would spend some Saturday mornings listening to music and dancing around the house. But often, there was turmoil. Arguments. Disappointments. Distrust. Dysfunction. Though on the outside world, things looked wonderful.

My dad drank too much. He stayed out a lot. There were too many times that promises were made and broken. He was a womanizer. My mother put up with a lot. Too much. We were exposed to too much. My mother was a great homemaker. She put her children first, perhaps at the detriment of her marriage, at times. She tried to be a stay at home mom for some years, but she often worked. There were times, she had to return to work. Money was spent by my dad on other women and whatever he wanted. My mother was often over-bearing and strict about certain things. She had the additional responsibility of a child with a disability. I understood that. I tried not to be an added burden and stayed out of the way. For the most part, I was fine with that. I felt judged. Not good enough. Unseen. Unheard. Or since I seemed independent and ok, the feeling that there was no need to check on me. It does not matter, if that was not the intent. I know it was not. I know that my mother had a lot on her plate with my brother and marriage that was not what she deserved. i am also clear of an unintended disconnect on my part. Parents don't often think about how their behavior affects their children. I say all the time....what you say and do and what you don't say and don't do, affects your children. Whether it is a positive or a negative, is entirely up to you. Understand that even if it does not cause and immediate effect. One day it will. Whether we believe it or not, we leave traces with our children.

We never know the love of a parent till we become parents ourselves ~ Henry Ward Beecher

There was a time on Father's Day when I bought cards and keep them. Thinking about the the imaginary dad I deserved. When I became a mom. I thought about the dad he deserved and did not have. A card was bought for the father he might become. My said early on, he knew how not to be, as I had. Over the years he would say, he does not want children until he is ready and can properly take care of them, in every way. He would never be a part-time dad or a father of convenience. It saddened me for a very long time. I had asked his dad one thing after our break up. If he did nothing else, I expected him to just be a great father to our son. I was not one of these women, who tried to hold on to someone who no longer wanted me or resented him for how he treated me in our relationship. I was not hopeful of a reunion. Nor did I desire on. I had been treated too badly. But I also did not look at my son and see him and then hate my child. Never. He was never used by me in any game nor did I spend every waking moment bashing his father. He could see things for himself and it was his decision if they had a relationship, how and when. He was free to spend time with him. I encouraged it. I wanted their relationship to be the best that it could be. That takes nothing away from me or the relationship that I have with my son.

The priority was the child. Period. It should always be. I was angry for a very long time. I already had my own reasons for being upset with my dad but I don't think my my mom understood that she added to it. The constant complaints, the upset, the ripping him to shreds, though deserving...should not be placed on the child's ears, mind and heart. A mom or dad who has primary custody should try not share their disgust for the other parent. That should stay between the adults and not to say that you should not be honest with your children but their is away to communicate certain things. It is wise for parents to work diligently to be respectful, civil and focus on co-parenting to the best of their ability. A child should not be exposed to a constant war zone. There are plenty of situations where children are just as close the parent outside the home, as they are with the custodial parent. In some cases the child may be even closer to the parent who lives outside the home.

Once I had my own child, all of my energy was on him. There was little time for anger or resentment. There was sadness and disappointment at times, but nothing more. My efforts were better spent and consumed with daily survival and insuring the well-being of my son. It is truly a 24/7 effort. It is more work than some parents are willing to put in. Being a single parent is no minor endeavor.

No matter how hard it was at times, I never regretted having my son. I definitely wished many things were different. I reflect and wish that I had made some different decisions regarding my education and in other areas of my life. We are all accountable for our own actions. I love being a parent and not having a true partner in raising my child, did not cause me enjoy the biggest responsibility, one could ever have. With that being said, I enjoy celebrating fathers who have made a huge difference in the lives of their children. I know plenty. I am not blinded to that just because of my own negative experiences. There are awesome single dads, dads who are husbands, stepdads and grandfather, uncles, and friends serving as father figures. They should be just as appreciated and respected as the awesome moms out there.